You won't be 26 forever.

Lately I have been doing a lot of 'soul' work. I concluded my last post by saying that 2015 was about losing myself, and that 2016 was about finding myself. I've got a lot going on in my life and in my mind. I've been meticulously practising balance; sleep, work, legal/life obligations, and yoga. On any given day I usually get up at 6 am so I can wake up slowly and enjoy my morning coffee, get ready for work, leave by 8:30 am, work until 5 pm, try to talk to my girls on route, straight to yoga, try to call again, home by 7 pm, eat, sleep, repeat. I've officially worked at my job for 6 months, and I actually really like working. It feels good to be learning my strength and independence despite it's struggles. It is definitely hard to stay on top of my finances. I've made a lot of changes and sacrifices that I've never had to before. I want to learn mindfulness.

Short definition.

"Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience."

This is more challenging than I originally thought. This means being mindful in all areas of my life. In fact...it's come to my attention that the old me was pretty much the polar opposite of mindful. I have a way of letting my emotions take control of me. I've been coming to the steady realization that my inability to keep my emotions under control, and be present, are a big part of how I got to where I am. What I mean by this is that if I had been able to take a step back and observe the things that were unfolding around me, and take them as they were, maybe I could have saved myself a lot of suffering. Maybe I could have stopped myself from filling voids with stuff we couldn't afford. Spending time on things that weren't important. I could have walked away when I knew the way I was living, wasn't working anymore. I was so driven by my fear of change. I let my life become poison. I accept I can't  change any of that.

I will miss Becca's birthday. I will likely miss Easter. They get bigger everyday. I'm missing fleeting moments, and it's outside of my control. I want to learn to be happy regardless of any possible outcomes in life. Breathe. I just need to breathe, let my emotions roll in and out. Let them go. I spent so much time taking things for granted. I took the present for granted. No more.

I will get up and embrace every fucking chance I get to make the present count. The present is what I have. My lawyer said it best; "You won't be 26 forever."

It's okay to be scared, it's not okay to live in fear.

xoxoxo
Steph

2015 in Review

In 2015 my life exploded in my face. As far as breakups go, mine, in classic Steph-Style, was about as difficult as could possibly be. I'm discovering through this journey that I have a knack for being unconventional. I'd like to say I didn't know I wasn't going back, but in hindsight maybe I knew somewhere deep down that I was never going home.

I've been thinking a lot about what it felt like to have a home. To have a family- a bed, a coffee maker, kids, dogs, cats; comfort. Despite the messiness of my difficult ('old') life, these things were still home to me. One day I had a home, and the next, I didn't. I don't really know how to put the pain into words. I'm sure this has been the most difficult and transformative experiences of my life. My life, as I knew it, died. For the past 9 months I have been experiencing grief in many, many, many bizarre stages. 

In my 'old' life I never really worked 'real' jobs. All I really knew was being a mom. I made a lot of mistakes in my personal life, but, despite all of the storms I created, I always held my ground as a mother. I got up everyday and tried as hard as I could to balance being a young mom. I tried to balance housework, dance, gymnastics, my broken relationship, and myself. I made their meals, wiped their tears and was there every moment. In a blink that was over.

I never got closure. I never said a proper goodbye. I left everything. My home, and everything in it. I never packed my things properly in peace. I knew it was over but I didn't know that was the last time we would all be together. I didn't get closure. That's strange, and sad.

It terrifies me to think of the affect this experience has had on me, a strong adult, and how it must have affected their developing hearts. I broke their hearts. I know I did. It's excrutuating. 

In my new life  I work full-time, for almost minimum wage. I never had to worry about bills, now I do. I had the girls. I could kiss and hug them whenever I wanted. Now I can't. I'm almost 27 years old and i'm starting over as if I was only 18. Some days I feel like I'm going backwards. That's my new reality. I was spoiled in my old life. I had nice things and I got what I wanted. Cars, clothes, furniture. I had many luxuries. I took advantage of these luxuries and never really felt fulfilled by them.

The first 6 months in my new life were shock and denial. I brushed things under the rug, and ran from my growing problems and responsibilities in numerous unhealthy ways.I smoked. I forgot about fitness. I lost myself. After this phase of grief, came drowning in tears; which went on for 3 months straight. I cried myself to sleep. At work. At yoga. Here, there, everywhere. The strange thing about the crying phase was that in between the tears I started to find little bits of happy. Over time, i've learnt to hold onto the happy, longer and longer. I still cry more than I'm used to, but now I find solace in many little things I didn't appreciate before.

I appreciate the small luxuries I can still afford, because I have less. I've come to terms with having less, and am content with what I do have. I survived losing my whole world, so I have no more to lose. It's strange and freeing. I appreciate my new home, which is starting to feel more like home everyday. I appreciate when the rain finally breaks, and the sun shines through, and the pavement is clear (no snow). I appreciate coffee. I appreciate my job despite the pay, I get to be surrounded by beautiful strong women who pick me up more than they even know, everyday. I don't worry about things out of my control. I appreciate feeling what it's supposed to feel like to be loved unconditionally for the first time in my life. I appreciate how good it feels to be moving from grief and into peace and acceptance of what is.

2015 was loss. 2016 is finding.

Finding my health again.
Finding my strength again (mind & body).
Finding my passion again.
Finding my place in the girls lives.
Finding unconditional love.
Finding laughter after many tears.
Finding peace.
Finding acceptance
Finding forgiveness.

xoxoxo
Steph

Under Construction

Recently I announced that my Facebook page would be renamed, and so naturally my blog was to follow.

Over the past year, everything in my life has changed. I lost everything, and found even more. Through these big changes I have been forced to re-evaluate my values and beliefs. It became very apparent that 'Skinny Pants Fitness' was a title no longer in alignment with my personal beliefs along my journey.

So excited to continue to share and inspire health and fitness on a more genuine level!

Here's to love and laughter, bending but not breaking, and finding myself after losing it all.

My site will be experiencing some technical difficulties and broken links as I tweak things to work for the new domain. Thank you to all my friends and followers for your continued love and support! 

Namaste.
xoxoxo
Steph

Love Travels

Today I felt the need to put my thoughts somewhere, no better place than here. For those of you who follow me on social media, you may already be aware of some big changes happening in my life at the moment. My fiance of 10 years and I, are in the beginning stages of what is becoming a very messy situation. I feel that out of respect for him, it is best that I keep the dirty details confidential, but I need to get a few things off my chest.

Firstly, addressing the issue of my absence from my home, and to those of you have had a picture painted of me being some sort of abandoning mother, I can assure you that is not the case. I am not free. I am not having the time of my life being away from my children. I am here with open arms, and an open heart, wishing I had them with me. They are my best friends, my heart, my soul. My heart is broken. This is not how I wanted things to be, but this is how they are, and i'm not in the power seat.

I feel that I have nurtured two beautiful babies, from the first moment I knew they were on the way. I grew them from scratch. I got pregnant at 18, without graduating, without having a career. I thought I was in love. I thought everything would be okay. I spent 8 months on bed rest with my second, due to a high risk pregnancy. My man either worked away, or was gone long hours, and I had a 3 year old at home with me. Our relationship was already on the rocks. I did everything I could, to be the glue that could hold our broken home together. My glue wasn't strong enough.

 I have for a long time, felt trapped, and unhappy. I spent the last few months before our separation, trying to hold on, for the sake of our children. I attended counselling once a week alone, where I learnt that some things couldn't be fixed. I have fallen into unhealthy habits, and then picked myself back up, I refuse to be weak. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated into a lifestyle that does not create a happy future for my girls or I.

There are so many skeletons in our messy closet that there's just no point in taking sides, the only real truth is that we both love our kids, but there may be no reconciliation between us. The bottom line is I'm the mother, and they are my children, my blood is their blood. I want them here with me. I have the will, but I don't have the resources. You can't imagine how this feels to me. I could be spiteful, and air our dirty laundry out of defense, I could make him look ugly, too, but I am not that person.

Despite my less than ideal circumstances, I get up everyday to run by the ocean, to sweat out the ugliness that I feel. I put on a smile even though I feel like crying. I put my energy into my health coaching, so that I can lift women up and inspire them to be their happiest selves. I might not be perfect, but I can see outside the little box that I feel I've been put in. I choose to put my anger and resentment aside, because I love myself too much to let this break me down.

Over the past 10 years I have had no voice. I want my daughters to learn to fight for their happiness, and to not ever bow down to a man, as I have my whole adult life. I want to teach them that they are powerful, and that their voices matter.

Upside: I think I have an idea of where I want to take my career because of what's been going on. One day, I want to be in a position to guide and empower women, just like me, who have been pushed to their breaking point, and feel hopeless. This is not how it should be.

To my beautiful girls, who are not big enough to understand my absence:

"As long as you're in my heart, and i'm in yours, there's no distance great enough that our love can't travel."

xoxoxo
Mommy

Facing Fears

In Calgary on my recent business trip, Brian, one of my team leaders, suggested I should lead a team Strength & Beauty Nation 'training' call. About a week and a half later FORCED me to set a date. I'm just kidding, I did so willingly.

In a team call, all of our teams are invited into a 'zoom' meeting (kind of like Facetime but with multiple people!) by the person who's hosting it (in this case ME) to listen to that particular coach talk about whatever it is they think the other coaches can learn from them. Though I'm a newbie I hit SC 14 my first month as a coach, and rank advanced to emerald in my first week- pretty big in the Beachbody world! So when Brian suggested it, I knew A) That I was terrified and B) That I had to do it. What an honor for one of your mentors to think the whole team could learn something from you! And you know my life motto...

Anyways, the call last night! For the last week and a half I went through all the stages one can expect when doing something outside of ones comfort zone - excitement - fear - denial - acceptance. haha. I wrote a speech, read it out (roughly, as if I was talking to real people out loud with point cards) then listened to the recording). Only by the day of the call trying to prepare just made me panic- I felt like I could not remember anything I had been memorizing. I decided to do as Stephanie does, and throw caution to the wind and just WING IT! Ironically enough, this was basically the baseline of my topic of choice- "The importance of acting like a top coach, and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable" Ie: "FAKE IT 'TILL YOU MAKE IT!"

I'm not going to go into the details of how I have been advancing my business on my blog, but I thought this topic was also relative to health, fitness, and all things in between!

In the present, I still consider myself to be shy. For the most part have learnt to 'shake it off'', though. I have learnt fake confidence is just as good, if not better than real confidence. After all, a little bit of humanity shining through is OK! We all have our quirks. I have gone through so much uncomfortable things in my life! When I was 18 and my daughter was first born I pretty much didn't even know how to cope with a crying baby in a grocery store. All things scared me. Like i'm not talking a little bit of anxiety. I suffered from full blown, debilitating social phobia. Everything scared me. Just leaving the house was a chore for me and I avoided it at all costs. I lived in a shell. Numerous trials on anxiety medications, which was traumatic in itself, because my biggest fear of all was going to the doctor, brought me no alleviation of my fears. I came to terms with the idea that my life would be like this forever. I thought I was a broken girl.

Then the most horrible and amazing thing happened. I got pregnant with my daughter (Summer) and due to a high risk pregnancy, would spend the next 8 months in and out of the hospital, in and out of ultrasounds (3-4 times a week). This was traumatic. Every time I had to go to these places, this fear would bubble, and my heart would race, and I couldn't breathe. I probably would have avoided it if it had an option, but the health of my baby forced me way out of my comfort zone, over and over to face my biggest (mostly irrational) fears. The crazy thing? As the months went on, my anxiety faded away. The hospital, my most dreaded place, became a uncomfortably, comfortable routine.

When Summer was born I was blessed with two gifts- her survival, and my healed anxiety. I kind of feel like being in such a high risk situation saved my life, and after you go through months of being scared and helpless everyday, the little things in life are still scary, but you realize you're strong enough to conquer.

That's how my life mottos were born:

-FAKE IT 'TILL YOU MAKE IT
-YOLO - you only live once

If your scared of something, that's ok, in fact its great. It just means your ALIVE! Live for your heart racing, learn to be comfortable with it! The more you push outside of your comfort zone, the easier it will be to do the crazy things that you will look back on and be like 'wow, I did that!' instead of 'I wish I did that...' I think everybody is scared of life- awkward situations, being embarrassed, failing, but you have to find a way to quiet those voices and just scream YOLO in your head, jump in with both feet, and go for something crazy.

My challenge to myself, is to do all the things that terrify me. I love the feeling afterwards, when you are terrified, but you put self-doubt aside, and jump in with both feet, and do the impossible, it's an unbeatable adrenaline high! I think that's what life's about!:)

xoxoxo
Steph

Gluten Free (Chicken) Taco Salad

*Serves 4*

Ingredients:

4 cup romaine lettuce
1/2 cup finely chopped veggies (I used red bell pepper, red onion, and celery)

1 tbs avocado oil (or olive)
3 tbs rice vinegar
1 tbs fresh lime juice
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground chilli powder
1 small handful fresh cilantro, minced
splash of hot sauce (I used franks)
1/2 tsp sea salt (to taste)

4, 4oz chicken breast
4-6 tbs tajin seasoning

1 cup brown basmati rice
2 cups of water (or according to package instructions)
1tbs cumin
1tbs chilli powder
cracked pepper
1 tbs hot sauce
1/2 tsp sea salt

Serve with salsa (optional)

Method:

Preheat oven to 350C. Prepare basmati rice according to package instructions, adding cumin, chilli powder, cracked pepper, hot sauce, and sea salt to the water (usually brown basmati is one part rice 2 parts water, bring to simmer on high, then turn to low for 50 minutes). Wash lettuce, and set asside to dry. Rub each chicken breast generously in tajin seasoning, then place in a oven dish when the rice timer has 20 minutes left and bake uncovered for 30 minutes. While the rice and chicken cooks, whisk oil, vinegar, lime juice, chilli, powder, cilantro, splash of hot sauce, and seat salt. Chop veggies and place in the bowl on top of vinagrette, then chop the lettuce and put on top (don't toss until ready to serve!:) Toss the salad, and divide evenly onto serving places, then top each with 1/4 cup of  cooked rice, chopped chicken, and salsa (optional). Enjoy!:)

Beachbody Business in the City!

Last week I was presented with the amazing opportunity by my upline coach, Amanda, to travel with her and her husband (a long with a bunch of other ladies from our Beachbody team, Strenth and Beauty Nation) to Calgary! She invited me to go with her and Brian to attend animportant meeting with Jeff Mathewson on Friday, and then we went to work out with AUTUMN CALABRESE of the 21 Day Fix Extreme LIVE on Saturday with a bunch of other ladies from the team!

Initially I didn't think I would be able to make it as my fiance works out of town usually, and as a mom of two that lives away from family I didn't know what I would do with my children for 4 days on 2 days notice! That said, when I want something, I do whatever is in my power to get it. I ran around like a crazy lady trying to arrange it. Lucky for me I have the worlds MOST AMAZING friends, Lana, and Alicia, and they bailed me out and took turns babysitting them, and then my fiance took Saturday night off to cover that day. Since I had planned to book through airmiles and I couldn't book until last minute there ended up being no flights left to Calgary so I was forced to DRIVE. It's about 10 hours from where I am!

I left early Thursday morning! It was soooo long but to be honest, it was so awesome to get out on the road just me and my fancy new Nissan suv! I LOVE road tripping by myself. Lots of time to think and jam!

I am such a girl. I totally forgot to get gas in white court and realized that I didn't have enough to get to the next check stop and had to backtrack 20 minutes to get gas. OMG. I felt so dumb. OOPS.

When I got to Calgary I was SO excited! I booked a fancy room at the Delta Bow West, right downtown! I highly recommend it. The restaurant and bar downstairs was so nice and YUMMY, and they even had a grande piano player, AND a full Starbucks in the lobby (which was like heaven to this coffee connoisseur).  I met Amanda and Brian at the Core, after parking my vehicle in the HSBC underground parking, which took us 5 blocks in the wrong direction (AND back) to later find. Country peeps in the City, that's how we roll.

The meeting with Jeff was awesome, just listening mostly for me, but I learnt so much! Since I want this to be my career I am so grateful I had the opportunity to meet him!

On Saturday morning we went to the live workout at the Telus Convention Centre, it was SO exciting! Such an amazing experience! If you ever get the opportunity to attend a live Beachbody workout DO IT! The success stories at the beginning actually brought me to tears, specifically Travis Kucheran's. Follow him on Facebook. He is one of the most inspirational people I have had the pleasure of listening to. He used to be a homeless alcoholic, and now, only a few years later, a top diamond coach. Beachbody changed his life. His story is incredible. It spoke to me so much, as someone who personally struggles with alcohol moderation. After the success story speeches it was announced that if you find a golden ticket you get to meet Autumn! And guess who found one?! That's right, this gal. :D What a GORGEOUS woman!

Saturday after lunch with the team, Amanda, Brian, Steph and I went shopping downtown. Then they left and I went to walk back to my hotel, when I realized I DROPPED MY MASTERCARD OUT OF MY POCKET SOMEWHERE. Omg. I hope my fiance isn't reading this right now. Then, after backtracking to find it (and luckily I did) my phone died. No more GPS. Just a girl alone downtown in a city she's never been, trying to find her way back to her hotel. The adventures I find myself in. I ended up walking and chatting with a nice lady (who had no idea where I needed to go), then woila! I looked up and there was my hotel. Phew. I survived. Dumb luck.

That night we got all dolled up and went for dinner, and then went to Standard night club with some amazing ladies, handed out some business cards, then headed back to my cozy hotel bed to sleep in before my LONG journey home Sunday afternoon. I didn't get home until 11pm that night.

Thank you Beachbody, and an even bigger thank you to Amanda, for convincing me to take a risk. A couple months ago I wouldn't have imagined my life today. Already building some amazing connections and friendships, and an amazing adventure under my belt! Can't wait to see where this business takes me next.

xoxoxo
Steph