You won't be 26 forever.

Lately I have been doing a lot of 'soul' work. I concluded my last post by saying that 2015 was about losing myself, and that 2016 was about finding myself. I've got a lot going on in my life and in my mind. I've been meticulously practising balance; sleep, work, legal/life obligations, and yoga. On any given day I usually get up at 6 am so I can wake up slowly and enjoy my morning coffee, get ready for work, leave by 8:30 am, work until 5 pm, try to talk to my girls on route, straight to yoga, try to call again, home by 7 pm, eat, sleep, repeat. I've officially worked at my job for 6 months, and I actually really like working. It feels good to be learning my strength and independence despite it's struggles. It is definitely hard to stay on top of my finances. I've made a lot of changes and sacrifices that I've never had to before. I want to learn mindfulness.

Short definition.

"Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience."

This is more challenging than I originally thought. This means being mindful in all areas of my life. In fact...it's come to my attention that the old me was pretty much the polar opposite of mindful. I have a way of letting my emotions take control of me. I've been coming to the steady realization that my inability to keep my emotions under control, and be present, are a big part of how I got to where I am. What I mean by this is that if I had been able to take a step back and observe the things that were unfolding around me, and take them as they were, maybe I could have saved myself a lot of suffering. Maybe I could have stopped myself from filling voids with stuff we couldn't afford. Spending time on things that weren't important. I could have walked away when I knew the way I was living, wasn't working anymore. I was so driven by my fear of change. I let my life become poison. I accept I can't  change any of that.

I will miss Becca's birthday. I will likely miss Easter. They get bigger everyday. I'm missing fleeting moments, and it's outside of my control. I want to learn to be happy regardless of any possible outcomes in life. Breathe. I just need to breathe, let my emotions roll in and out. Let them go. I spent so much time taking things for granted. I took the present for granted. No more.

I will get up and embrace every fucking chance I get to make the present count. The present is what I have. My lawyer said it best; "You won't be 26 forever."

It's okay to be scared, it's not okay to live in fear.

xoxoxo
Steph