I've been thinking a lot about what it felt like to have a home. To have a family- a bed, a coffee maker, kids, dogs, cats; comfort. Despite the messiness of my difficult ('old') life, these things were still home to me. One day I had a home, and the next, I didn't. I don't really know how to put the pain into words. I'm sure this has been the most difficult and transformative experiences of my life. My life, as I knew it, died. For the past 9 months I have been experiencing grief in many, many, many bizarre stages.
In my 'old' life I never really worked 'real' jobs. All I really knew was being a mom. I made a lot of mistakes in my personal life, but, despite all of the storms I created, I always held my ground as a mother. I got up everyday and tried as hard as I could to balance being a young mom. I tried to balance housework, dance, gymnastics, my broken relationship, and myself. I made their meals, wiped their tears and was there every moment. In a blink that was over.
I never got closure. I never said a proper goodbye. I left everything. My home, and everything in it. I never packed my things properly in peace. I knew it was over but I didn't know that was the last time we would all be together. I didn't get closure. That's strange, and sad.
It terrifies me to think of the affect this experience has had on me, a strong adult, and how it must have affected their developing hearts. I broke their hearts. I know I did. It's excrutuating.
In my new life I work full-time, for almost minimum wage. I never had to worry about bills, now I do. I had the girls. I could kiss and hug them whenever I wanted. Now I can't. I'm almost 27 years old and i'm starting over as if I was only 18. Some days I feel like I'm going backwards. That's my new reality. I was spoiled in my old life. I had nice things and I got what I wanted. Cars, clothes, furniture. I had many luxuries. I took advantage of these luxuries and never really felt fulfilled by them.
The first 6 months in my new life were shock and denial. I brushed things under the rug, and ran from my growing problems and responsibilities in numerous unhealthy ways.I smoked. I forgot about fitness. I lost myself. After this phase of grief, came drowning in tears; which went on for 3 months straight. I cried myself to sleep. At work. At yoga. Here, there, everywhere. The strange thing about the crying phase was that in between the tears I started to find little bits of happy. Over time, i've learnt to hold onto the happy, longer and longer. I still cry more than I'm used to, but now I find solace in many little things I didn't appreciate before.
I appreciate the small luxuries I can still afford, because I have less. I've come to terms with having less, and am content with what I do have. I survived losing my whole world, so I have no more to lose. It's strange and freeing. I appreciate my new home, which is starting to feel more like home everyday. I appreciate when the rain finally breaks, and the sun shines through, and the pavement is clear (no snow). I appreciate coffee. I appreciate my job despite the pay, I get to be surrounded by beautiful strong women who pick me up more than they even know, everyday. I don't worry about things out of my control. I appreciate feeling what it's supposed to feel like to be loved unconditionally for the first time in my life. I appreciate how good it feels to be moving from grief and into peace and acceptance of what is.
2015 was loss. 2016 is finding.
Finding my health again.
Finding my strength again (mind & body).
Finding my passion again.
Finding my place in the girls lives.
Finding unconditional love.
Finding laughter after many tears.
Finding peace.
Finding acceptance
Finding forgiveness.
xoxoxo
Steph
The first 6 months in my new life were shock and denial. I brushed things under the rug, and ran from my growing problems and responsibilities in numerous unhealthy ways.I smoked. I forgot about fitness. I lost myself. After this phase of grief, came drowning in tears; which went on for 3 months straight. I cried myself to sleep. At work. At yoga. Here, there, everywhere. The strange thing about the crying phase was that in between the tears I started to find little bits of happy. Over time, i've learnt to hold onto the happy, longer and longer. I still cry more than I'm used to, but now I find solace in many little things I didn't appreciate before.
I appreciate the small luxuries I can still afford, because I have less. I've come to terms with having less, and am content with what I do have. I survived losing my whole world, so I have no more to lose. It's strange and freeing. I appreciate my new home, which is starting to feel more like home everyday. I appreciate when the rain finally breaks, and the sun shines through, and the pavement is clear (no snow). I appreciate coffee. I appreciate my job despite the pay, I get to be surrounded by beautiful strong women who pick me up more than they even know, everyday. I don't worry about things out of my control. I appreciate feeling what it's supposed to feel like to be loved unconditionally for the first time in my life. I appreciate how good it feels to be moving from grief and into peace and acceptance of what is.
2015 was loss. 2016 is finding.
Finding my health again.
Finding my strength again (mind & body).
Finding my passion again.
Finding my place in the girls lives.
Finding unconditional love.
Finding laughter after many tears.
Finding peace.
Finding acceptance
Finding forgiveness.
xoxoxo
Steph
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