Quinoa Veggie Frittata Recipe

Ingredients:

6 eggs

2 tbs melted butter
4 tbs goat cheese (crumbled)

1.5 cups quinoa (pre-cooked)

4 green onions (chopped)

4 mushrooms (chopped)

1 bell pepper (chopped)

1 clove of garlic (mincled)

1/2 tsp himilayan or sea salt

1 tsp chilli powder

1 tsp black pepper

Method:

Preheat oven to 375C.

Preheat frying pan to med. low heat. Once warm, sautee veggies with butter until cooked to desired tenderness, set aside. In a seperate bowl, hand whisk eggs until fluffy, add spices, fold in sauteed veggies, goat cheese & quinoa. Pour contents into an oiled 8x8 pan and bake for 25-30 minutes in the preheated oven. Serves 8. 

Marks of Maturity

I know im getting older because I now like the things I used to hate.

Like Getting up early...
and drinking red wine.
endless Acoustic Music.
Being alone on a Friday night..
or any other night for that matter.
Reading is a luxury, not a chore.
Understanding deeper.
Forgiving faster.

xoxo

28 little wisdoms

I am at a point in becoming that i've made some realizations. Previously, the old me, and somewhere in between selfs, I got caught up in the things I lost, when I should have emphasized all the beautiful things that grew in all of the dark places. I'm realizing at 28 years old that nobody really has their shit together. Beautiful people still have fucked up, messy, complicated lives. Beautiful people come in all sorts of bodies. People are messy.

Just when you think you've recovered from one mess, you move onto the next, like, having to move in the pouring rain, changing jobs, getting into an accident, another breakup, or maybe your best cousin dying, or someone from your past showing up late at night. Life is Messy. 

It's so amazing. 

In the messy parts we grow. 

Work your ass off. Be a partner. Be a partner. Be a friend. 

Im grateful that at 28 to have gained some wisdom:

making your bed can change the world
mountains are better than skyscrapers
i'm about as good at drinking as my mother, and thats not very good at all
people from our past are there for a reason
sometimes champagne is still acceptable at breakfast

the sunrise looks more magnificent after a good nights sleep
sleep is more vital than makeup
less really is more
unless we are talking about our people
hair grows back, and your face will still look the same
people are not invincible, even when they act like they are
tell your people you love them, even when you disagree
its okay to cry in your closet, or anywhere else when you need to
true love can be ugly, but is always loyal and patient
sex is better in love and outside
flexibility and mindfulness are not just a yoga practices
some things can only be learnt in the moonlight - wake your people up
playing cards is therapy
you can learn a lot from littles if you listen
coparenting is an art everyone would be lucky to master
home is anywhere
eat the fucking eggs benny, or cake, or chocolate
some people weren't meant to come with you
go to the funeral
regret nothing
30 is still young
but life is short
Be present.

The Lost Posts - 04/15 - Nudity and a splash of colour.

Over the past year I've been writing in my blog about my evolution. There were  quite a few posts I had left unpublished. I felt at the time that they might impact my case negatively, or that I wasn't yet comfortable sharing with the world. Maybe you'll find something of value in your own journey, through my words...

"When something is important to you, you'll do it, even if the odds are not in your favour." - Elon Musk

Nudity and a splash of colour (written April 2015):

On Thursday I found my car payments weren't paid last month. Nissan Finance called me as I was on my way to work to let me know that they needed to receive payment immediately. I'm already way over my head financially. It's not an option for me to make the payments. I'm living pay cheque to pay cheque; often choosing between food and yoga, which I need for the stress management of my messy life. I've already given up small luxuries like coffee out and take out. Though I am 'poor', I'm rich in connections, and lucky for me my sugar sister is always there to spoil me with luxurious restaurant meals.

After so many years of two-sided trust issues, and not being on the same page as far as personal views, negotiations on the settlement of our assets has pretty much been impossible. We will bankrupt ourselve fighting for money that will no longer exsist, and for kids that really need us both.

In my old life I thought I needed all these things; a nice house full of nice things, vehicles, toys, ect, ect. You get caught up in fitting into a specific lifestyle. I was conditioned, and back then, things were everything. I literally thought it would kill me to let go. Little by little, I've had to let go of the small things; most of my personal belongings, the pictures, the pets. The big things; my home, tiny footsteps and giggles everyday, my relationship, my stay-at-home-lifestyle and expensive habits, and soon my car. 

As time passes I realize more everyday how out of alignment with my true self I had been living. The more I let go, the lighter I feel. Ironically I didn't actually need any of it. Life goes on. My world didn't end. I often think of how strange hindsight is, and how funny it is to hold on to things, after you master the art of letting go. 

You-know-who recently said in an argument between us that he didn't need to change, insisting that he was in the right and made some condescending remark about how he "didn't need to become some spirit animal". Whatever that means. I guess it means im transforming, and he's happy staying the same. Or I suppose that's my interpretation of his words. My youngest recently said to me, when I tried telling her that it wasn't healthy to watch TV all the time, "your not the boss of me, dads the boss of you."  Atleast when we were a family, my presence created a balance between our extremes. They need us both. They need balance.   

I always made it such a priority to teach our girls about health and learning to be comfortable and happy in their ever growing and changing bodies. If they wanted to roll around in the privacy of our back yard in the nude under my watch, I understood. After all, who can remember clothes when your chasing butterflies, fairies, or even dreams. 

I remember being a kid and running through sprinklers then rolling in the dirt buck naked, beneath a canvass of clouds. I laughed and played and nobody ever made me feel strange or dirty about it. It was never a spectacle, it was just normal.  I remember feeling free, and not needing anything but dandelions and dirt. 

Now when I watch my own children, miles away on FaceTime, under the care of my polar-opposite co-parent, my heart aches, for his values which are not in alignment with my own. I hope they remember to chase butterflies, and to dream, and to believe in magic, and to find contentment in life's boundless adversities. 

Parenting is not only meeting basic needs, but also nurturing growing spirits. 

As I layed naked in the middle of my living room floor tonight, colouring mandellas, lost in thought, I laughed out loud, because it was the perfect metaphor for how polar opposite you-know-who and I really are. 

Here's to the art of letting go; 

People. 

Money. 

Cars. 

Clothes

Expectations.

And everything in between. You'll survive. I promise. 

Xoxoxo 

Steph

The woman who cries in bar bathrooms.

A few years ago I found myself in a rut.

Okay, rut is probably a huge understatement. I was in reality more like15 feet into dysfunction.

As many weekends as I possibly could, I subconsciously searched for all sorts of escapes. Home was not a place of peace or comfort or happiness. I didn't even understand then, as I do now, the way it feels to be home.

My unhappiness affected everything, namely my relationships. I hurt people and if I couldn't hurt them I would try to drag them down with me.

I never really wanted to marry the father of my children, I just held onto the hope that we would somehow be a broken whole. To be honest, I don't think he really wanted to marry me either. Over the years I lost myself, bit by broken bit, and forgot what it felt like to believe in people (myself included). I didn't understand my married friends. I don't think they could understand me either.

I've been thinking a lot about a particular night a few years ago. It was my very close girlfriends 30th birthday. In a lot of ways we were the same, but all I wanted to do was let loose, have some drinks, dance, laugh, forget.

A few drinks down, all she wanted was to get home to her husband, kids, home, bed, life.

I remember her crying and leaving. I remember not understanding.

Fast forward to now, I'm that woman. The woman crying in the bathroom at the bar. You know, if I ever even found myself in a bar again. All I can think about is getting home. Getting into bed. Picking my babies up. Being a family. Being whole, only together.

Now I'm the woman I couldn't  understand before. I don't know the other girl anymore. I guess she got forgotten when I put the pieces back together. What a beautiful loss.

We all have to find our own way in our own time I guess.

To my married friends, who stood by me (and to be honest, put up with me) when they couldn't understand me, you have a most special place in my heart, even from afar. Thank you.

Rental Freedom

This week we're back to school! My baby-est baby officially started kindergarden, and my biggest lil' is somehow already in grade 3. As many of us already know, time has a way of speeding up ten fold once we become parents. This is especially true to me, after our lost year.

This morning was only the second time since our separation, a year and a half ago, that him and I have had to be in a contained space together. It was hard for me to breathe. Until that moment, I have been (mostly) relentlessly grounded. I have become well practiced in taking the uncomfortable and challenging steps, even when I feel like I cant fucking breathe. I have, for the most part, become a master at ignoring the flight in me. Breathing through it.

The kindergarden classroom, however, was possibly the most irrationally claustorphobic experience I've had, since the end of my world. We kept small talk & eye contact minimum. I reminded myself to just fucking breathe. We listened to Mrs. Kindrgarden-Teacher speak, then went our separate ways. Who knew a year could feel so short, yet 10 minutes could feel so long.

Many things have not gone my way. Anybodies way, for that matter.

So here we are, now two strangers, trying to navigate co-parenting, with a million miles of disagreements between us, trying to carry the weight of our worlds.

This school year, my partner and I will be facing a whole new array of challenges; commuting my girls 45 minutes to an from school, the balancing act of doing so with our work schedules, finances, adjusting to the everyday challenges of being a family again, all whilst trying to start a business and navigate an emotionally draining custody battle.

And somehow, balancing it all, I have never felt happier, more free, laughed so much, or been so filled with gratitude.

My mind is no longer yours to rent.  This fall marks freedom.

When I was alone I prayed for strength, family, & love.

The universe gave it to me.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Lost & Found

I'm Life lately has been a crazy mixture of happiness and exhaustion. I've been drowning myself both in work and play- receptionist, server, mom, friend, yogi, among other things. Life has a weird and ironic way of  keeping you on your toes.

On that note, for the sake of moving forward in all areas of my life, I've been trying really hard to let go of some emotional and material baggage I've been carrying around the past few years. One load, being the weight of stars being crossed. The second load, being the material items from my old life, that I held onto. Once upon a time these possessions meant everything, and now the things mostly serve as bittersweet reminders of my past.

When the breakup first happened last year, I had gone up north within the first few months, I had no life plan, or direction at the time, so I packed up the things which I felt I needed to keep, such as our dining room table, my treadmill, our entertainment stand, clothes, photos, decor, ect, ect. Afterall, what if I went back? What if I had nothing forever? What if I couldn't get on my feet on my own? I just couldn't let go, so, I neatly packed all of my worldly possessions into a storage unit that would soon be gathering dust 15 000 kms away.

A year later, as I unpack boxes full of my long lost belongings, I'm realizing that none of these things were really important after all.

After 10 years, a home, two babies, and our home, the only things I have chosen to keep are as follows:

Buddha painting
Laying Buddha
Amy Mugs
Select clothing
Salt crystal lamp
Photo albums
Ninja Blender
Sex and the City DVD's

List of things I found, that could never fit inside boxes:

Strength
Freedom
Independance
Self-love
Happiness
Laughter
Dedication
Forgiveness

List of things I let go of (some, reluctantly at first):

Furniture
Money
Sleeping in
A year with my girls
The things I can't change
The things I can't have
Him
My Rogue
Expectations
Anger

It's so weird, the things we think we need, versus the things that actually serve us. I hope the thrift store, and the other, enjoys my belongings as much as I did, once upon a time.

xo
Steph