Rental Freedom

This week we're back to school! My baby-est baby officially started kindergarden, and my biggest lil' is somehow already in grade 3. As many of us already know, time has a way of speeding up ten fold once we become parents. This is especially true to me, after our lost year.

This morning was only the second time since our separation, a year and a half ago, that him and I have had to be in a contained space together. It was hard for me to breathe. Until that moment, I have been (mostly) relentlessly grounded. I have become well practiced in taking the uncomfortable and challenging steps, even when I feel like I cant fucking breathe. I have, for the most part, become a master at ignoring the flight in me. Breathing through it.

The kindergarden classroom, however, was possibly the most irrationally claustorphobic experience I've had, since the end of my world. We kept small talk & eye contact minimum. I reminded myself to just fucking breathe. We listened to Mrs. Kindrgarden-Teacher speak, then went our separate ways. Who knew a year could feel so short, yet 10 minutes could feel so long.

Many things have not gone my way. Anybodies way, for that matter.

So here we are, now two strangers, trying to navigate co-parenting, with a million miles of disagreements between us, trying to carry the weight of our worlds.

This school year, my partner and I will be facing a whole new array of challenges; commuting my girls 45 minutes to an from school, the balancing act of doing so with our work schedules, finances, adjusting to the everyday challenges of being a family again, all whilst trying to start a business and navigate an emotionally draining custody battle.

And somehow, balancing it all, I have never felt happier, more free, laughed so much, or been so filled with gratitude.

My mind is no longer yours to rent.  This fall marks freedom.

When I was alone I prayed for strength, family, & love.

The universe gave it to me.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Lost & Found

I'm Life lately has been a crazy mixture of happiness and exhaustion. I've been drowning myself both in work and play- receptionist, server, mom, friend, yogi, among other things. Life has a weird and ironic way of  keeping you on your toes.

On that note, for the sake of moving forward in all areas of my life, I've been trying really hard to let go of some emotional and material baggage I've been carrying around the past few years. One load, being the weight of stars being crossed. The second load, being the material items from my old life, that I held onto. Once upon a time these possessions meant everything, and now the things mostly serve as bittersweet reminders of my past.

When the breakup first happened last year, I had gone up north within the first few months, I had no life plan, or direction at the time, so I packed up the things which I felt I needed to keep, such as our dining room table, my treadmill, our entertainment stand, clothes, photos, decor, ect, ect. Afterall, what if I went back? What if I had nothing forever? What if I couldn't get on my feet on my own? I just couldn't let go, so, I neatly packed all of my worldly possessions into a storage unit that would soon be gathering dust 15 000 kms away.

A year later, as I unpack boxes full of my long lost belongings, I'm realizing that none of these things were really important after all.

After 10 years, a home, two babies, and our home, the only things I have chosen to keep are as follows:

Buddha painting
Laying Buddha
Amy Mugs
Select clothing
Salt crystal lamp
Photo albums
Ninja Blender
Sex and the City DVD's

List of things I found, that could never fit inside boxes:

Strength
Freedom
Independance
Self-love
Happiness
Laughter
Dedication
Forgiveness

List of things I let go of (some, reluctantly at first):

Furniture
Money
Sleeping in
A year with my girls
The things I can't change
The things I can't have
Him
My Rogue
Expectations
Anger

It's so weird, the things we think we need, versus the things that actually serve us. I hope the thrift store, and the other, enjoys my belongings as much as I did, once upon a time.

xo
Steph

Dating 101 & Single Lady Survival Guide

Being single is weird. I've almost been in relationships non stop since I was fifteen. I ended my 10 year relationship and jumped right into my next shorter lived relationship. Both taught me some major life and self lessons; the biggest being that I need to learn to be content in my aloneness.

I've spent the last few months learning the difference between loneliness and aloneness, struggling to find the happy medium. I think this is critical to finding oneself. I know enough about myself to know that I should NOT be in a serious long term relationship at this stage in my soul searching. Even though I'm self aware, I sometimes feel crippled by the fact that for the first time ever, i'm completely alone.

Recently, I had a brief lapse in judgement, not once, but twice. I sacrificed my personal goals, standards, and time in an effort to fill my time with the presence of another. It dosen't matter how amazing somebody is, the important and difficult thing about 'dating' (banging, seeing, netflix-and-chilling, situationshipping) is that time is short. I have too many things to do to before I can be committed to another; and if I stumble upon another a long my journey that's worthy of my time, we must be in alignment.

When we are young, we are blinded by the beginning butterflies, and naivety, its easier to sacrifice ourselves for another, and hard to walk away when we know it's not working. Knowing when to walk away and face our aloneness to be true to ourselves is a wisdom we all must learn.

It's safe to say i'm thoroughly traumatized by my past love-affairs and experiences. I'd like to say i'm a fierce independent woman who dosen't need or want a man in my life, but in reality I think I do genuinely want a companion to spend my precious time on- ONE day.


SINGLE LADY SURVIVAL GUIDE: 

1) Never skip yoga or any other wellness activity for a man 

2) Tell the hard truths

3) Condoms, birth control and bullets

4) Go to bed. Wash your fucking make up off- you'll thank me tonorrow. 

5) Don't rush anything. You have time. 

6) Keep a screw driver, tire gauge, and zip ties on hand always - you don't need a man! 

7) You're the fixer upper- not him. Do your work. 

8) Get used to sleeping alone- enjoy sprawling out! 

9) Laugh. This too shall pass. 

10) Sleep with only one person at a time, always. NO exceptions. 

11) Take yourself on dates; eat a burger, drink a beer if you must. Enjoy the freedom. 

Ps: I told you so. 

Once upon a time I chased boys, and then men; now is the time to chase my dreams.

Ps: Thank you to the anazing men who have stumbled in and out of my life on your own journeys, teaching me lessons I needed to learn about dating and friendship. 

Silent Space

Almost 6 months ago I first entered the yoga studio, which now feels like a second home to me. Familiar faces of my fellow yogi regulars, are now feeling more like friendships. After all, what the fuck do you say to someone you just met, about yourself, when your life is in a state of disarray. I'm often tongue-tied, searching for the answers to what would typically seem to be easy questions to answer. What do you do. Where do you work. Are you From here. Are you single. Do you have kids. My answers are far from typical. I've gotten good at the art of vagueness, avoidance, and denial.

The great thing about people who make yoga a part of themselves, is they are comfortable in the silent space. To me, in my current chapter, it's indescribably amazing to have found such a place. 

I felt pretty lost walking into the studio for the first time, but I knew I needed to be there. When I told my instructor that I was there because my life was falling apart, she said that it was transforming.

Transforming.

What a powerfully truthful way to put it.

My life is a mess, and sometimes that means I'm a mess. That's the amazing thing about being human is we are ever evolving. I tried to explain this over the phone to my 8 year old daughter, the notion that nothing is forever. If your heart is broken, it only is for right now. Nothing is permenant, everything is fleeting. Breathe through it all. 

Our breathe is the only true constant, Atleast while we 'here'. 

And just when I think I can't go any further, both in yoga and in life, I remind myself, the pain is just for now, not forever. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable; breathe through it. 

I'm fucking transforming. 

Mind, body, & soul.

Repo Man & Muddy Water

On Wednesday afternoon, after I watched my last material connection with my old life get pulled away by the repo man, I felt a bit like I was rock-bottoming for atleast the second time this week. My sister and I made the spur of the moment decision to do something over-the-top-spontaneous...

"May I live like the lotus; at ease in muddy water."

I'm an emotional mess (this is putting it lightly). I've been doing my very best to balance working long weeks so I can afford to take some time off when the kids get here, and get my apartment outfitted to have them living here part time. Having my car taken away put me in a pretty bad position because the other and I had agreed week-on/week-off shared custody upon their arrival back on the rock, The problem with not having a reliable vehicle is that I'm going to be expected to drive back and forth twice daily on my week, to to the next town, 60 kms from here.

Fortunately, my sister had been given my dads old car, which has been sitting unused for the past year. In my desperation, she signed the papers over as a gift.  It's a 2003 Pontiac Grand am- far from my luxury SUV, but getting a car as a gift is a luxury in itself, so i'm feeling extremely blessed.

This old gem needed some work (to say the least), and 1000 dollars that I couldn't afford, some much appreciated help, and a day off of work later, I got it on the road. 

Pulling out of the driveway for the first time made me feel so happy I could cry... that is until not even 3 minutes down the road I got pulled over by a bicycle cop. 180 dollar fine for distracted driving- histories most expensive song play ever (I was skipping songs on my phone).

Ughh. I'm on a good run of bad luck.

Lessons Learnt This week:

1) When the repo man comes, don't run.
2) Make balance a priority
3) Take a mental health day off, before you're forced to
4) Don't look at your phone while driving- it's dangerous and expensive
5) Tatoos ARE therapeutic
6) Let it go.

I've gone five hundred miles today.I've come a long way,I've come along way,And never even left L.A.
Now you tow it to the repo man's front door,And you give him these keys, I don't need them no more.

A late night letter to no one

I miss my girls. I wish they could feel how much I love them and how much I miss them. I wish they could see how hard im trying to make things right. It's really sad. My heart is broken because I know I broke their hearts. At the old house, the girls and him, atleast they have each other. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night.  I'm thousands of miles away, alone, thinking about the things I can't change, and the moments I wish I could have back.

Becca has been mad at me lately. She hasn't wanted to speak to me. It's heart wrenching. They think I don't care about them. I don't know why they would think that. Maybe I deserve it. I wish I could shrink the distance. I can't. Im trying so hard to understand; to believe she will talk when she's ready. 

Sometimes im too sad to go to work but I can't afford mental health days, so I cry in the back, wipe my tears, then keep going. I've worked 21 days and counting. Maybe more. I've lost track now. For the most part I've become comfortable and happy in my new reality. I know the chaos is only temporary. Sometimes I forget the pain is fleeting. 

I guess you probably don't care and its late but I really miss them. If I could go back and shelter them from the pain I would, but I can't. Late at night, when im alone with my thoughts I think about the times when Becca was only 3. During that time, almost every night, I would scoop her tiny sleeping self up, to sing a whisper song of I-love-you-forever, while she snoozed. It's funny, the things we realize we took for granted, when we wish we could have them back. 

I miss them more than can be put into words. 

I can't believe almost a year has passed now. 

I love you forever, 

I like you for always, 

As long as I'm living

My babies you'll be. 

Xoxoxo 

Mommy 

I'm bad at relationships

Side note. Im bad at relationships. Im also really bad at feelings. Specifically, letting myself feel my feelings. 

I've been noticing a trend in myself throughout the process of my life's evolution; I'm a flighter, not a fighter. When things get complicated, I run. People, places, things, feelings. Everything. RUN. I don't even realize my actions until months, even years, later. 

I suppose this has been one of my most noticeable self observations lately. Coming to terms with my flaws has been really tough. Facing my feelings and my fears. Learning to deal with the things that need to be done instead of brushing them aside and pretending they aren't there, because in my new life I have nobody to rely on but myself. 

I have had to face a lot of things that old-Steph would have ran from. I would have given in to any proposal that meant not going to court. I would have kept a man around for the convenience of avoiding the difficult words. I would have self-medicated with alchohol and situations that didn't serve my personal growth just so I didn't have to feel my true feelings. 

I've made some pretty irrational choices and demonstrated some even worse behaviours over the years. I've cheated, lied, and done a lot of things I can't take back. I was terrified of the choices I knew I had to make so I avoided them. 

This week I said goodbye to an amazing man in my life. He dosent understand it now, because it hurts, but sometines in life we have to walk away people we love so we can learn to love ourselves first. This was one of the most difficult choices I've ever had to make, because a few years ago I would have given anything to be loved by somebody like him. 

Now, I know that I have way too much self work to do before I can truly commit to anybody. 

Now I know how important it is to master the art of aloneness, and letting go, first. 

Xoxoxo 

Steph