Lost & Found

I'm Life lately has been a crazy mixture of happiness and exhaustion. I've been drowning myself both in work and play- receptionist, server, mom, friend, yogi, among other things. Life has a weird and ironic way of  keeping you on your toes.

On that note, for the sake of moving forward in all areas of my life, I've been trying really hard to let go of some emotional and material baggage I've been carrying around the past few years. One load, being the weight of stars being crossed. The second load, being the material items from my old life, that I held onto. Once upon a time these possessions meant everything, and now the things mostly serve as bittersweet reminders of my past.

When the breakup first happened last year, I had gone up north within the first few months, I had no life plan, or direction at the time, so I packed up the things which I felt I needed to keep, such as our dining room table, my treadmill, our entertainment stand, clothes, photos, decor, ect, ect. Afterall, what if I went back? What if I had nothing forever? What if I couldn't get on my feet on my own? I just couldn't let go, so, I neatly packed all of my worldly possessions into a storage unit that would soon be gathering dust 15 000 kms away.

A year later, as I unpack boxes full of my long lost belongings, I'm realizing that none of these things were really important after all.

After 10 years, a home, two babies, and our home, the only things I have chosen to keep are as follows:

Buddha painting
Laying Buddha
Amy Mugs
Select clothing
Salt crystal lamp
Photo albums
Ninja Blender
Sex and the City DVD's

List of things I found, that could never fit inside boxes:

Strength
Freedom
Independance
Self-love
Happiness
Laughter
Dedication
Forgiveness

List of things I let go of (some, reluctantly at first):

Furniture
Money
Sleeping in
A year with my girls
The things I can't change
The things I can't have
Him
My Rogue
Expectations
Anger

It's so weird, the things we think we need, versus the things that actually serve us. I hope the thrift store, and the other, enjoys my belongings as much as I did, once upon a time.

xo
Steph

Dating 101 & Single Lady Survival Guide

Being single is weird. I've almost been in relationships non stop since I was fifteen. I ended my 10 year relationship and jumped right into my next shorter lived relationship. Both taught me some major life and self lessons; the biggest being that I need to learn to be content in my aloneness.

I've spent the last few months learning the difference between loneliness and aloneness, struggling to find the happy medium. I think this is critical to finding oneself. I know enough about myself to know that I should NOT be in a serious long term relationship at this stage in my soul searching. Even though I'm self aware, I sometimes feel crippled by the fact that for the first time ever, i'm completely alone.

Recently, I had a brief lapse in judgement, not once, but twice. I sacrificed my personal goals, standards, and time in an effort to fill my time with the presence of another. It dosen't matter how amazing somebody is, the important and difficult thing about 'dating' (banging, seeing, netflix-and-chilling, situationshipping) is that time is short. I have too many things to do to before I can be committed to another; and if I stumble upon another a long my journey that's worthy of my time, we must be in alignment.

When we are young, we are blinded by the beginning butterflies, and naivety, its easier to sacrifice ourselves for another, and hard to walk away when we know it's not working. Knowing when to walk away and face our aloneness to be true to ourselves is a wisdom we all must learn.

It's safe to say i'm thoroughly traumatized by my past love-affairs and experiences. I'd like to say i'm a fierce independent woman who dosen't need or want a man in my life, but in reality I think I do genuinely want a companion to spend my precious time on- ONE day.


SINGLE LADY SURVIVAL GUIDE: 

1) Never skip yoga or any other wellness activity for a man 

2) Tell the hard truths

3) Condoms, birth control and bullets

4) Go to bed. Wash your fucking make up off- you'll thank me tonorrow. 

5) Don't rush anything. You have time. 

6) Keep a screw driver, tire gauge, and zip ties on hand always - you don't need a man! 

7) You're the fixer upper- not him. Do your work. 

8) Get used to sleeping alone- enjoy sprawling out! 

9) Laugh. This too shall pass. 

10) Sleep with only one person at a time, always. NO exceptions. 

11) Take yourself on dates; eat a burger, drink a beer if you must. Enjoy the freedom. 

Ps: I told you so. 

Once upon a time I chased boys, and then men; now is the time to chase my dreams.

Ps: Thank you to the anazing men who have stumbled in and out of my life on your own journeys, teaching me lessons I needed to learn about dating and friendship. 

Silent Space

Almost 6 months ago I first entered the yoga studio, which now feels like a second home to me. Familiar faces of my fellow yogi regulars, are now feeling more like friendships. After all, what the fuck do you say to someone you just met, about yourself, when your life is in a state of disarray. I'm often tongue-tied, searching for the answers to what would typically seem to be easy questions to answer. What do you do. Where do you work. Are you From here. Are you single. Do you have kids. My answers are far from typical. I've gotten good at the art of vagueness, avoidance, and denial.

The great thing about people who make yoga a part of themselves, is they are comfortable in the silent space. To me, in my current chapter, it's indescribably amazing to have found such a place. 

I felt pretty lost walking into the studio for the first time, but I knew I needed to be there. When I told my instructor that I was there because my life was falling apart, she said that it was transforming.

Transforming.

What a powerfully truthful way to put it.

My life is a mess, and sometimes that means I'm a mess. That's the amazing thing about being human is we are ever evolving. I tried to explain this over the phone to my 8 year old daughter, the notion that nothing is forever. If your heart is broken, it only is for right now. Nothing is permenant, everything is fleeting. Breathe through it all. 

Our breathe is the only true constant, Atleast while we 'here'. 

And just when I think I can't go any further, both in yoga and in life, I remind myself, the pain is just for now, not forever. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable; breathe through it. 

I'm fucking transforming. 

Mind, body, & soul.

Repo Man & Muddy Water

On Wednesday afternoon, after I watched my last material connection with my old life get pulled away by the repo man, I felt a bit like I was rock-bottoming for atleast the second time this week. My sister and I made the spur of the moment decision to do something over-the-top-spontaneous...

"May I live like the lotus; at ease in muddy water."

I'm an emotional mess (this is putting it lightly). I've been doing my very best to balance working long weeks so I can afford to take some time off when the kids get here, and get my apartment outfitted to have them living here part time. Having my car taken away put me in a pretty bad position because the other and I had agreed week-on/week-off shared custody upon their arrival back on the rock, The problem with not having a reliable vehicle is that I'm going to be expected to drive back and forth twice daily on my week, to to the next town, 60 kms from here.

Fortunately, my sister had been given my dads old car, which has been sitting unused for the past year. In my desperation, she signed the papers over as a gift.  It's a 2003 Pontiac Grand am- far from my luxury SUV, but getting a car as a gift is a luxury in itself, so i'm feeling extremely blessed.

This old gem needed some work (to say the least), and 1000 dollars that I couldn't afford, some much appreciated help, and a day off of work later, I got it on the road. 

Pulling out of the driveway for the first time made me feel so happy I could cry... that is until not even 3 minutes down the road I got pulled over by a bicycle cop. 180 dollar fine for distracted driving- histories most expensive song play ever (I was skipping songs on my phone).

Ughh. I'm on a good run of bad luck.

Lessons Learnt This week:

1) When the repo man comes, don't run.
2) Make balance a priority
3) Take a mental health day off, before you're forced to
4) Don't look at your phone while driving- it's dangerous and expensive
5) Tatoos ARE therapeutic
6) Let it go.

I've gone five hundred miles today.I've come a long way,I've come along way,And never even left L.A.
Now you tow it to the repo man's front door,And you give him these keys, I don't need them no more.

A late night letter to no one

I miss my girls. I wish they could feel how much I love them and how much I miss them. I wish they could see how hard im trying to make things right. It's really sad. My heart is broken because I know I broke their hearts. At the old house, the girls and him, atleast they have each other. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night.  I'm thousands of miles away, alone, thinking about the things I can't change, and the moments I wish I could have back.

Becca has been mad at me lately. She hasn't wanted to speak to me. It's heart wrenching. They think I don't care about them. I don't know why they would think that. Maybe I deserve it. I wish I could shrink the distance. I can't. Im trying so hard to understand; to believe she will talk when she's ready. 

Sometimes im too sad to go to work but I can't afford mental health days, so I cry in the back, wipe my tears, then keep going. I've worked 21 days and counting. Maybe more. I've lost track now. For the most part I've become comfortable and happy in my new reality. I know the chaos is only temporary. Sometimes I forget the pain is fleeting. 

I guess you probably don't care and its late but I really miss them. If I could go back and shelter them from the pain I would, but I can't. Late at night, when im alone with my thoughts I think about the times when Becca was only 3. During that time, almost every night, I would scoop her tiny sleeping self up, to sing a whisper song of I-love-you-forever, while she snoozed. It's funny, the things we realize we took for granted, when we wish we could have them back. 

I miss them more than can be put into words. 

I can't believe almost a year has passed now. 

I love you forever, 

I like you for always, 

As long as I'm living

My babies you'll be. 

Xoxoxo 

Mommy 

I'm bad at relationships

Side note. Im bad at relationships. Im also really bad at feelings. Specifically, letting myself feel my feelings. 

I've been noticing a trend in myself throughout the process of my life's evolution; I'm a flighter, not a fighter. When things get complicated, I run. People, places, things, feelings. Everything. RUN. I don't even realize my actions until months, even years, later. 

I suppose this has been one of my most noticeable self observations lately. Coming to terms with my flaws has been really tough. Facing my feelings and my fears. Learning to deal with the things that need to be done instead of brushing them aside and pretending they aren't there, because in my new life I have nobody to rely on but myself. 

I have had to face a lot of things that old-Steph would have ran from. I would have given in to any proposal that meant not going to court. I would have kept a man around for the convenience of avoiding the difficult words. I would have self-medicated with alchohol and situations that didn't serve my personal growth just so I didn't have to feel my true feelings. 

I've made some pretty irrational choices and demonstrated some even worse behaviours over the years. I've cheated, lied, and done a lot of things I can't take back. I was terrified of the choices I knew I had to make so I avoided them. 

This week I said goodbye to an amazing man in my life. He dosent understand it now, because it hurts, but sometines in life we have to walk away people we love so we can learn to love ourselves first. This was one of the most difficult choices I've ever had to make, because a few years ago I would have given anything to be loved by somebody like him. 

Now, I know that I have way too much self work to do before I can truly commit to anybody. 

Now I know how important it is to master the art of aloneness, and letting go, first. 

Xoxoxo 

Steph  

Becca's Birthday; an invitation

This week has been full of lessons. I have been going through some financial complications due to the aftermath of my breakup. I've been trying really hard to budget and take control of my piling debts. Finances are something I never learnt or had to take responsibility for in my old life. Despite my best possible efforts in my new found independence, I will probably be losing a big material item in the near future. Initially, this news enraged me and brought me to my latest 1.5 hour emotional breakdown at work. Thank god for the waxing room; my frequent crying place. After my meltdown I had some time to think and regroup and have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. This is the last major item that I have tying me to my old life, and I need to be okay with letting it go. I need to learn to not let my attachment to things have control over my happiness. I didn't want or need it anyways, and I can adapt to life without it. Let go, I just need to let go.

This week was Valentines and I was alone. I kept busy and tried my best to make the most of a mess, like I always do. I sent flowers to my girls; one bouquet which I had delivered to Becca at school, and another which I had delivered to Summer at home. This was way more than I could afford but I tried. I hope they remember the little things, even though I'm far I hope they see how much I miss them. I wish I could have seen their perfect blue eyes light up when they arrived.

 Today is Becca's 8th birthday, and I would have given anything I could to sprout wings so I could be there. I need to let go of the things that are outside of my control. I really need to learn to fucking breathe.  I sent her a package for her birthday with crystals I picked special and charged them in my pocket with all of the love. I believe in the magic, I have to. I have to believe that love and energy is everything. I hope she takes value in the little things. I hope she will see that the little things are actually the big things.

I'm trying to remind myself that one day, when i'm more on my feet, there will be more birthdays, and more memories, and today is just one day. but I will never get back her 8th birthday. I won't be making her a cake like every other year before now; making a big deal out of every little detail so she can have the most perfect party. I won't get to sneak into her room and watch her sleep, even though I know the years of her being small, innocent and full of wonder are slipping away. She's growing so fast. I won't get to be there when she blows out her candles and makes her wishes. I wonder if she wishes for me, and if she does and it doesn't come true, I wonder if she loses faith in dreams and wishes and magic. I'm so fucking scared of my absence making her hard. I'm scared the pain will make her build walls. I'm so scared all the time, I forget to breathe.

The thing about all of my crazy emotions is that none of them are permanent, they roll in and then out (like the ocean waves, my mama would say). That is amazing. Chaos isn't forever. Though I'm not physically there every moment, I wont waste a moment trying to get them back into my arms. Not a moment passes that I'm not sending them all of my love. I hope she learns to let her pain roll in and then out like waves. I hope her pain will not define her.

To my Becca Bear on your 8th Birthday, though you're not reading now, one day you might.

 

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for

and if you dare to dreamyou ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know 
if you will risk 
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are 
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you 
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.