Dating 101 & Single Lady Survival Guide

Being single is weird. I've almost been in relationships non stop since I was fifteen. I ended my 10 year relationship and jumped right into my next shorter lived relationship. Both taught me some major life and self lessons; the biggest being that I need to learn to be content in my aloneness.

I've spent the last few months learning the difference between loneliness and aloneness, struggling to find the happy medium. I think this is critical to finding oneself. I know enough about myself to know that I should NOT be in a serious long term relationship at this stage in my soul searching. Even though I'm self aware, I sometimes feel crippled by the fact that for the first time ever, i'm completely alone.

Recently, I had a brief lapse in judgement, not once, but twice. I sacrificed my personal goals, standards, and time in an effort to fill my time with the presence of another. It dosen't matter how amazing somebody is, the important and difficult thing about 'dating' (banging, seeing, netflix-and-chilling, situationshipping) is that time is short. I have too many things to do to before I can be committed to another; and if I stumble upon another a long my journey that's worthy of my time, we must be in alignment.

When we are young, we are blinded by the beginning butterflies, and naivety, its easier to sacrifice ourselves for another, and hard to walk away when we know it's not working. Knowing when to walk away and face our aloneness to be true to ourselves is a wisdom we all must learn.

It's safe to say i'm thoroughly traumatized by my past love-affairs and experiences. I'd like to say i'm a fierce independent woman who dosen't need or want a man in my life, but in reality I think I do genuinely want a companion to spend my precious time on- ONE day.


SINGLE LADY SURVIVAL GUIDE: 

1) Never skip yoga or any other wellness activity for a man 

2) Tell the hard truths

3) Condoms, birth control and bullets

4) Go to bed. Wash your fucking make up off- you'll thank me tonorrow. 

5) Don't rush anything. You have time. 

6) Keep a screw driver, tire gauge, and zip ties on hand always - you don't need a man! 

7) You're the fixer upper- not him. Do your work. 

8) Get used to sleeping alone- enjoy sprawling out! 

9) Laugh. This too shall pass. 

10) Sleep with only one person at a time, always. NO exceptions. 

11) Take yourself on dates; eat a burger, drink a beer if you must. Enjoy the freedom. 

Ps: I told you so. 

Once upon a time I chased boys, and then men; now is the time to chase my dreams.

Ps: Thank you to the anazing men who have stumbled in and out of my life on your own journeys, teaching me lessons I needed to learn about dating and friendship. 

Silent Space

Almost 6 months ago I first entered the yoga studio, which now feels like a second home to me. Familiar faces of my fellow yogi regulars, are now feeling more like friendships. After all, what the fuck do you say to someone you just met, about yourself, when your life is in a state of disarray. I'm often tongue-tied, searching for the answers to what would typically seem to be easy questions to answer. What do you do. Where do you work. Are you From here. Are you single. Do you have kids. My answers are far from typical. I've gotten good at the art of vagueness, avoidance, and denial.

The great thing about people who make yoga a part of themselves, is they are comfortable in the silent space. To me, in my current chapter, it's indescribably amazing to have found such a place. 

I felt pretty lost walking into the studio for the first time, but I knew I needed to be there. When I told my instructor that I was there because my life was falling apart, she said that it was transforming.

Transforming.

What a powerfully truthful way to put it.

My life is a mess, and sometimes that means I'm a mess. That's the amazing thing about being human is we are ever evolving. I tried to explain this over the phone to my 8 year old daughter, the notion that nothing is forever. If your heart is broken, it only is for right now. Nothing is permenant, everything is fleeting. Breathe through it all. 

Our breathe is the only true constant, Atleast while we 'here'. 

And just when I think I can't go any further, both in yoga and in life, I remind myself, the pain is just for now, not forever. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable; breathe through it. 

I'm fucking transforming. 

Mind, body, & soul.

Repo Man & Muddy Water

On Wednesday afternoon, after I watched my last material connection with my old life get pulled away by the repo man, I felt a bit like I was rock-bottoming for atleast the second time this week. My sister and I made the spur of the moment decision to do something over-the-top-spontaneous...

"May I live like the lotus; at ease in muddy water."

I'm an emotional mess (this is putting it lightly). I've been doing my very best to balance working long weeks so I can afford to take some time off when the kids get here, and get my apartment outfitted to have them living here part time. Having my car taken away put me in a pretty bad position because the other and I had agreed week-on/week-off shared custody upon their arrival back on the rock, The problem with not having a reliable vehicle is that I'm going to be expected to drive back and forth twice daily on my week, to to the next town, 60 kms from here.

Fortunately, my sister had been given my dads old car, which has been sitting unused for the past year. In my desperation, she signed the papers over as a gift.  It's a 2003 Pontiac Grand am- far from my luxury SUV, but getting a car as a gift is a luxury in itself, so i'm feeling extremely blessed.

This old gem needed some work (to say the least), and 1000 dollars that I couldn't afford, some much appreciated help, and a day off of work later, I got it on the road. 

Pulling out of the driveway for the first time made me feel so happy I could cry... that is until not even 3 minutes down the road I got pulled over by a bicycle cop. 180 dollar fine for distracted driving- histories most expensive song play ever (I was skipping songs on my phone).

Ughh. I'm on a good run of bad luck.

Lessons Learnt This week:

1) When the repo man comes, don't run.
2) Make balance a priority
3) Take a mental health day off, before you're forced to
4) Don't look at your phone while driving- it's dangerous and expensive
5) Tatoos ARE therapeutic
6) Let it go.

I've gone five hundred miles today.I've come a long way,I've come along way,And never even left L.A.
Now you tow it to the repo man's front door,And you give him these keys, I don't need them no more.