A late night letter to no one

I miss my girls. I wish they could feel how much I love them and how much I miss them. I wish they could see how hard im trying to make things right. It's really sad. My heart is broken because I know I broke their hearts. At the old house, the girls and him, atleast they have each other. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night.  I'm thousands of miles away, alone, thinking about the things I can't change, and the moments I wish I could have back.

Becca has been mad at me lately. She hasn't wanted to speak to me. It's heart wrenching. They think I don't care about them. I don't know why they would think that. Maybe I deserve it. I wish I could shrink the distance. I can't. Im trying so hard to understand; to believe she will talk when she's ready. 

Sometimes im too sad to go to work but I can't afford mental health days, so I cry in the back, wipe my tears, then keep going. I've worked 21 days and counting. Maybe more. I've lost track now. For the most part I've become comfortable and happy in my new reality. I know the chaos is only temporary. Sometimes I forget the pain is fleeting. 

I guess you probably don't care and its late but I really miss them. If I could go back and shelter them from the pain I would, but I can't. Late at night, when im alone with my thoughts I think about the times when Becca was only 3. During that time, almost every night, I would scoop her tiny sleeping self up, to sing a whisper song of I-love-you-forever, while she snoozed. It's funny, the things we realize we took for granted, when we wish we could have them back. 

I miss them more than can be put into words. 

I can't believe almost a year has passed now. 

I love you forever, 

I like you for always, 

As long as I'm living

My babies you'll be. 

Xoxoxo 

Mommy 

I'm bad at relationships

Side note. Im bad at relationships. Im also really bad at feelings. Specifically, letting myself feel my feelings. 

I've been noticing a trend in myself throughout the process of my life's evolution; I'm a flighter, not a fighter. When things get complicated, I run. People, places, things, feelings. Everything. RUN. I don't even realize my actions until months, even years, later. 

I suppose this has been one of my most noticeable self observations lately. Coming to terms with my flaws has been really tough. Facing my feelings and my fears. Learning to deal with the things that need to be done instead of brushing them aside and pretending they aren't there, because in my new life I have nobody to rely on but myself. 

I have had to face a lot of things that old-Steph would have ran from. I would have given in to any proposal that meant not going to court. I would have kept a man around for the convenience of avoiding the difficult words. I would have self-medicated with alchohol and situations that didn't serve my personal growth just so I didn't have to feel my true feelings. 

I've made some pretty irrational choices and demonstrated some even worse behaviours over the years. I've cheated, lied, and done a lot of things I can't take back. I was terrified of the choices I knew I had to make so I avoided them. 

This week I said goodbye to an amazing man in my life. He dosent understand it now, because it hurts, but sometines in life we have to walk away people we love so we can learn to love ourselves first. This was one of the most difficult choices I've ever had to make, because a few years ago I would have given anything to be loved by somebody like him. 

Now, I know that I have way too much self work to do before I can truly commit to anybody. 

Now I know how important it is to master the art of aloneness, and letting go, first. 

Xoxoxo 

Steph