Today I felt the need to put my thoughts somewhere, no better place than here. For those of you who follow me on social media, you may already be aware of some big changes happening in my life at the moment. My fiance of 10 years and I, are in the beginning stages of what is becoming a very messy situation. I feel that out of respect for him, it is best that I keep the dirty details confidential, but I need to get a few things off my chest.
Firstly, addressing the issue of my absence from my home, and to those of you have had a picture painted of me being some sort of abandoning mother, I can assure you that is not the case. I am not free. I am not having the time of my life being away from my children. I am here with open arms, and an open heart, wishing I had them with me. They are my best friends, my heart, my soul. My heart is broken. This is not how I wanted things to be, but this is how they are, and i'm not in the power seat.
I feel that I have nurtured two beautiful babies, from the first moment I knew they were on the way. I grew them from scratch. I got pregnant at 18, without graduating, without having a career. I thought I was in love. I thought everything would be okay. I spent 8 months on bed rest with my second, due to a high risk pregnancy. My man either worked away, or was gone long hours, and I had a 3 year old at home with me. Our relationship was already on the rocks. I did everything I could, to be the glue that could hold our broken home together. My glue wasn't strong enough.
I have for a long time, felt trapped, and unhappy. I spent the last few months before our separation, trying to hold on, for the sake of our children. I attended counselling once a week alone, where I learnt that some things couldn't be fixed. I have fallen into unhealthy habits, and then picked myself back up, I refuse to be weak. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated into a lifestyle that does not create a happy future for my girls or I.
There are so many skeletons in our messy closet that there's just no point in taking sides, the only real truth is that we both love our kids, but there may be no reconciliation between us. The bottom line is I'm the mother, and they are my children, my blood is their blood. I want them here with me. I have the will, but I don't have the resources. You can't imagine how this feels to me. I could be spiteful, and air our dirty laundry out of defense, I could make him look ugly, too, but I am not that person.
Despite my less than ideal circumstances, I get up everyday to run by the ocean, to sweat out the ugliness that I feel. I put on a smile even though I feel like crying. I put my energy into my health coaching, so that I can lift women up and inspire them to be their happiest selves. I might not be perfect, but I can see outside the little box that I feel I've been put in. I choose to put my anger and resentment aside, because I love myself too much to let this break me down.
Over the past 10 years I have had no voice. I want my daughters to learn to fight for their happiness, and to not ever bow down to a man, as I have my whole adult life. I want to teach them that they are powerful, and that their voices matter.
Upside: I think I have an idea of where I want to take my career because of what's been going on. One day, I want to be in a position to guide and empower women, just like me, who have been pushed to their breaking point, and feel hopeless. This is not how it should be.
To my beautiful girls, who are not big enough to understand my absence:
"As long as you're in my heart, and i'm in yours, there's no distance great enough that our love can't travel."
xoxoxo
Mommy