About Masters Rd & the last 6 months.

Sometimes things are not always as they appear.
I've never worried much about the collapsing parts of life; i've just become immaculate at how to prepare for the storm.
Batten down the hatches.
Call the rental people.
Tell them you need to leave.

Pack the boxes. Breathe.
Call your people.
By the way,
your people are not the ones who chase you down the road drunk and carry you home against your will,
when you climb out the window to run.
They're not the ones who might hold you hostage in a hotel room all night
where you consider weather you should fight, or flight.
As if fighting or running were even options,
when your choking, and drowning in your tears,
under the weight of a monster.

Speaking of which, my last relationship taught me to always keep a good pair of running shoes near.
It taught me honesty is not always a two way street.
Especially when I somehow found myself living in a lie;
mistaking a monster for a man.
Telling all my real people beautiful, convincing lies
so they don't say, what I already knew.
RUN.

When flighting becomes your only option
you hide with your people.
Make a sanctuary out of a bedroom.
Teach your girls that your never as stuck as you might feel.
What's for right now, isn't forever.
Sleep. A lot.
Just pretend you're camping, but then, when that gets old;
Breathe.
Rebuild.
Buy a new couch.
Buy a new bed.
Buy a new car.
Go home.
Remember the feeling of what a home should feel like.
Burn whatever is left.
Learn to trust again.
Fall in love.
Wear Heels.
Leave your runners at home.
Rise from the ashes.
Look for your rainbow.

I quit.

Sometimes in life, you gotta shake things up a bit. Things have a way of turning stagnant. I've been thinking a lot about the importance of embracing the fear of change, because that's where you find beautiful beginnings.

So, I recently quit my job and moved out of my apartment, all in one day.

I'm a month deep into this new chapter, and I have never felt happier. It's strange how much worry precedes change. It's so easy to get caught up in worry and wondering what people will think. Let it go. Trust. I've so often not done that-thing-I-wanna-do because of fear or not wanting to let people down. It's sad to think of how many things could have been different in my life, had I the courage to follow my heart.

Here's to letting my heart lead, in yoga and in life.

So here I am, in my new home, embracing change, and family, and love.

OM.

Quinoa Veggie Frittata Recipe

Ingredients:

6 eggs

2 tbs melted butter
4 tbs goat cheese (crumbled)

1.5 cups quinoa (pre-cooked)

4 green onions (chopped)

4 mushrooms (chopped)

1 bell pepper (chopped)

1 clove of garlic (mincled)

1/2 tsp himilayan or sea salt

1 tsp chilli powder

1 tsp black pepper

Method:

Preheat oven to 375C.

Preheat frying pan to med. low heat. Once warm, sautee veggies with butter until cooked to desired tenderness, set aside. In a seperate bowl, hand whisk eggs until fluffy, add spices, fold in sauteed veggies, goat cheese & quinoa. Pour contents into an oiled 8x8 pan and bake for 25-30 minutes in the preheated oven. Serves 8. 

Marks of Maturity

I know im getting older because I now like the things I used to hate.

Like Getting up early...
and drinking red wine.
endless Acoustic Music.
Being alone on a Friday night..
or any other night for that matter.
Reading is a luxury, not a chore.
Understanding deeper.
Forgiving faster.

xoxo

28 little wisdoms

I am at a point in becoming that i've made some realizations. Previously, the old me, and somewhere in between selfs, I got caught up in the things I lost, when I should have emphasized all the beautiful things that grew in all of the dark places. I'm realizing at 28 years old that nobody really has their shit together. Beautiful people still have fucked up, messy, complicated lives. Beautiful people come in all sorts of bodies. People are messy.

Just when you think you've recovered from one mess, you move onto the next, like, having to move in the pouring rain, changing jobs, getting into an accident, another breakup, or maybe your best cousin dying, or someone from your past showing up late at night. Life is Messy. 

It's so amazing. 

In the messy parts we grow. 

Work your ass off. Be a partner. Be a partner. Be a friend. 

Im grateful that at 28 to have gained some wisdom:

making your bed can change the world
mountains are better than skyscrapers
i'm about as good at drinking as my mother, and thats not very good at all
people from our past are there for a reason
sometimes champagne is still acceptable at breakfast

the sunrise looks more magnificent after a good nights sleep
sleep is more vital than makeup
less really is more
unless we are talking about our people
hair grows back, and your face will still look the same
people are not invincible, even when they act like they are
tell your people you love them, even when you disagree
its okay to cry in your closet, or anywhere else when you need to
true love can be ugly, but is always loyal and patient
sex is better in love and outside
flexibility and mindfulness are not just a yoga practices
some things can only be learnt in the moonlight - wake your people up
playing cards is therapy
you can learn a lot from littles if you listen
coparenting is an art everyone would be lucky to master
home is anywhere
eat the fucking eggs benny, or cake, or chocolate
some people weren't meant to come with you
go to the funeral
regret nothing
30 is still young
but life is short
Be present.

The Lost Posts - 04/15 - Nudity and a splash of colour.

Over the past year I've been writing in my blog about my evolution. There were  quite a few posts I had left unpublished. I felt at the time that they might impact my case negatively, or that I wasn't yet comfortable sharing with the world. Maybe you'll find something of value in your own journey, through my words...

"When something is important to you, you'll do it, even if the odds are not in your favour." - Elon Musk

Nudity and a splash of colour (written April 2015):

On Thursday I found my car payments weren't paid last month. Nissan Finance called me as I was on my way to work to let me know that they needed to receive payment immediately. I'm already way over my head financially. It's not an option for me to make the payments. I'm living pay cheque to pay cheque; often choosing between food and yoga, which I need for the stress management of my messy life. I've already given up small luxuries like coffee out and take out. Though I am 'poor', I'm rich in connections, and lucky for me my sugar sister is always there to spoil me with luxurious restaurant meals.

After so many years of two-sided trust issues, and not being on the same page as far as personal views, negotiations on the settlement of our assets has pretty much been impossible. We will bankrupt ourselve fighting for money that will no longer exsist, and for kids that really need us both.

In my old life I thought I needed all these things; a nice house full of nice things, vehicles, toys, ect, ect. You get caught up in fitting into a specific lifestyle. I was conditioned, and back then, things were everything. I literally thought it would kill me to let go. Little by little, I've had to let go of the small things; most of my personal belongings, the pictures, the pets. The big things; my home, tiny footsteps and giggles everyday, my relationship, my stay-at-home-lifestyle and expensive habits, and soon my car. 

As time passes I realize more everyday how out of alignment with my true self I had been living. The more I let go, the lighter I feel. Ironically I didn't actually need any of it. Life goes on. My world didn't end. I often think of how strange hindsight is, and how funny it is to hold on to things, after you master the art of letting go. 

You-know-who recently said in an argument between us that he didn't need to change, insisting that he was in the right and made some condescending remark about how he "didn't need to become some spirit animal". Whatever that means. I guess it means im transforming, and he's happy staying the same. Or I suppose that's my interpretation of his words. My youngest recently said to me, when I tried telling her that it wasn't healthy to watch TV all the time, "your not the boss of me, dads the boss of you."  Atleast when we were a family, my presence created a balance between our extremes. They need us both. They need balance.   

I always made it such a priority to teach our girls about health and learning to be comfortable and happy in their ever growing and changing bodies. If they wanted to roll around in the privacy of our back yard in the nude under my watch, I understood. After all, who can remember clothes when your chasing butterflies, fairies, or even dreams. 

I remember being a kid and running through sprinklers then rolling in the dirt buck naked, beneath a canvass of clouds. I laughed and played and nobody ever made me feel strange or dirty about it. It was never a spectacle, it was just normal.  I remember feeling free, and not needing anything but dandelions and dirt. 

Now when I watch my own children, miles away on FaceTime, under the care of my polar-opposite co-parent, my heart aches, for his values which are not in alignment with my own. I hope they remember to chase butterflies, and to dream, and to believe in magic, and to find contentment in life's boundless adversities. 

Parenting is not only meeting basic needs, but also nurturing growing spirits. 

As I layed naked in the middle of my living room floor tonight, colouring mandellas, lost in thought, I laughed out loud, because it was the perfect metaphor for how polar opposite you-know-who and I really are. 

Here's to the art of letting go; 

People. 

Money. 

Cars. 

Clothes

Expectations.

And everything in between. You'll survive. I promise. 

Xoxoxo 

Steph

The woman who cries in bar bathrooms.

A few years ago I found myself in a rut.

Okay, rut is probably a huge understatement. I was in reality more like15 feet into dysfunction.

As many weekends as I possibly could, I subconsciously searched for all sorts of escapes. Home was not a place of peace or comfort or happiness. I didn't even understand then, as I do now, the way it feels to be home.

My unhappiness affected everything, namely my relationships. I hurt people and if I couldn't hurt them I would try to drag them down with me.

I never really wanted to marry the father of my children, I just held onto the hope that we would somehow be a broken whole. To be honest, I don't think he really wanted to marry me either. Over the years I lost myself, bit by broken bit, and forgot what it felt like to believe in people (myself included). I didn't understand my married friends. I don't think they could understand me either.

I've been thinking a lot about a particular night a few years ago. It was my very close girlfriends 30th birthday. In a lot of ways we were the same, but all I wanted to do was let loose, have some drinks, dance, laugh, forget.

A few drinks down, all she wanted was to get home to her husband, kids, home, bed, life.

I remember her crying and leaving. I remember not understanding.

Fast forward to now, I'm that woman. The woman crying in the bathroom at the bar. You know, if I ever even found myself in a bar again. All I can think about is getting home. Getting into bed. Picking my babies up. Being a family. Being whole, only together.

Now I'm the woman I couldn't  understand before. I don't know the other girl anymore. I guess she got forgotten when I put the pieces back together. What a beautiful loss.

We all have to find our own way in our own time I guess.

To my married friends, who stood by me (and to be honest, put up with me) when they couldn't understand me, you have a most special place in my heart, even from afar. Thank you.